


Complex Emotions

by Calliecatt93



Series: Bad Things Happen (To Grimmons) Bingo [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Cry Into Chest, Emotional, Grief, Grif Mom Mention, Hurt/Comfort, Kai briefly appears, M/M, Mentions of how to feel about shitty people dying, Minor Character Death, Punching Mirrors, Some bodily harm, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23436850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calliecatt93/pseuds/Calliecatt93
Summary: When Grif is informed that his mother has died, he seems fine about it. But as Simmons finds out, that is far from the case.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons
Series: Bad Things Happen (To Grimmons) Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1640086
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Complex Emotions

_ “Dex… I-I got a call from Hawaii. It’s… about mom.” _

_ “Fuck. What happened this time? Did she get drunk and hit herself in the head again?” _

_ “No, uhh… she… she had a heart-attack.” _

_ “...okay. So… she’s gonna be stuck in a hospital then? Those poor bastards.” _

_ “No...Dex, she’s gone.” _

_ “...gone? What do you-?” _

_ “She fucking  _ died _ , Dex.” _

_ “...oh.” _

* * *

_ Belch! _

“Fuck. Really Grif?” Simmons whined as he waved a hand in front of his face, “I can smell your gross garlic breath from over here, gross!”

“Hey, when you gotta let it out, you let it out Simmons,” said Grif as he took a large bite out of his pizza. “Besides, I’m grieving. Cut me some slack.”

“That’s not an excuse to be a disgusting asshole, asshole.”

“Eh.” Grif shrugged as he gulped down the last of his pizza slice. “It's how I grieve, Simmons. Everyone has their way, I've got mine. Plus pizza is the one true cure for heartache.”

The cyborg rolled his eyes as he got up, gathering up their plates. Grif grabbed another slice from the box as he leaned back, absent-mindedly watching Simmons clean up. It had been several hours now since Kai broke the news to him about their mom. She was currently on a ship heading for Earth by herself. She didn’t seem too upset when he opted to wait before he followed, surprisingly enough. She just said he better fly out as soon as he could. Which he would. Just not yet.

It’s not that he didn’t  _ want  _ to go home. He’d longed for the sun-lit, beach-covered isles of Hawaii for  _ years  _ now. It’s just… not exactly the circumstances he expected to provoke it. When was the last time he’d even spoken to his mother? When he lied about the one-man draft? No wait, that was the last time he spoke to Kai. He’d told mom that via voice mail when she didn’t pick up the damn phone. Probably was in some skeevy bar doing God knows what, as per usual.

So that meant… right before he had left Hawaii for college. Probably before then, actually. She didn’t see him off or even tell him good-bye. Not that he cared, of course. She hadn’t either, though. He could still remember when he told her that he was moving out and couldn’t take care of Kai anymore. How she was going to have to keep her own daughter out of trouble now and not expect him to do it for her. He expected her to be mad at the very least, but even  _ that _ seemed to be too much. She seemed… apathetic at best, just giving a shrug and telling him to not forget any of his things. She went to ‘work’ shortly after, and that was the last he remembered speaking to her. Was likely passed out behind the couch the last time he actually saw her.

None of that was new though. She never gave a shit about anything but whatever distracted her from her problems. That’s how she always was, that’s how she always would be. Judging form how she was found in her trailer by the park owner, collapsed on the kitchen floor with a smashed bottle of whiskey beside her. It seemed that she went out alone without a care in the world. Just like he knew she probably would.

“Grif?”

. 

Grif snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of the other man’s voice. Simmons was looking at him. Grif looked down, seeing that he dropped his barely eaten pizza onto the table. Which now looked like it had been squished. There was marinara sauce over his palm and fingertips. Huh. He hadn’t noticed. 

“Fuck.” He sighed before turning to Simmons. “What is it?”

“Umm… are you done?” The cyborg asked carefully. Almost like he was afraid of the response.

“...yeah, guess I am.” said Grif, rising to his feet. “I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Wait, umm…” The cyborg trailed off, trying to find the words. “...Are you… you know…?”

“What? Okay?” Simmons lightly nodded, causing Grif to roll his eyes. “Simmons, for the hundredth time I’m  _ fine.  _ Hell, never been better!”

“But-”

“I’m  _ good  _ Simmons, alright? You can quit asking every ten fucking minutes.” There was a beat before Grif shrugged. “Besides I’m dealing it exactly how she would; drown my cares away and not give a shit about anything else. So I’m doing fucking  _ great  _ right now!”

Simmons didn’t look very convinced. Grif sighed before reaching over, wiping his sauce-covered fingers over the other’s face. He squeaked as he stepped back.

“Damn it Grif!” Grif snickered, watching Simmons grab a wet rag to scrub at his face as he stepped away with a wave.

The Hawaiian man entered the two’s shared bedroom, stripping himself of his shoes and letting his hair free of the hair tie. He collapsed on his back, adjusting until he was on his side and pulled the blanket over himself. It wasn’t long before he heard Simmons come in and climb into bed beside him. An arm wrapped lightly, almost hesitantly around his waist. Grif didn’t stir, only clutching his eyes shut.

The sooner he fell asleep, the sooner he could get the next day over with. It was going to be Hell, he already knew. He didn’t know what all his mom needed settling, but he and Kai were going to have to be the ones to sort it all out for her. And probably with little to no money in the bank to settle anything with, at that. Even in death, she somehow found a way to make her problems his problems, and leave him to have to clean it up.

None of that was new though.

* * *

It was still dark when Simmons woke up. It was close to 5 AM. About the time he usually got up to prepare for the day. Not that he had much to do nowadays, but old habits died hard. Plus with them having to book a flight to Hawaii soon, they needed to start getting things packed and get plans arranged for their undetermined absence. Fuck, there was going to be so much to do, and that was just for before leaving!

He carefully started to sit up… but stopped when he realized that he was alone in bed. 

“Grif?”

A quick look around the room uncovered no trace of the other man. Maybe he went to go take a piss? Grab a post-post-midnight snack that he didn’t bring to bed because Simmons would yell at him for getting crumbs all over the sheets? Those were the only reasons he could think of as to why his boyfriend was up before noon without being made to.

Well… those and his mom dying. That might have something to do with it. But he didn’t seem too upset about it. Which was fine, right? Grif didn’t talk about his family much, but he especially never talked about his mom. The first he ever heard of her was when Kai arrived. So she was probably pretty shitty. But Kai seemed fine with her, so…?

As Simmons exited the bedroom, he still saw no sign of Grif. Not n the living room. Not in the kitchen. Nowhere. That only left the bathroom. He walked to the door. It looked like the light was off, but a quick knock on the door confirmed that it was occupied. He heard… something. Some kind of startled noise. But the identity of the person was clear as he knocked again.

“Grif?”

_ “Shit! Ugh… hang on!!” _

“Is everything okay?”

_ “Ugh.. yeah! I just needed to take a piss! Be out in a… ow!  _ Fuck! _ ” _

That was enough to provoke Simmons to push the door open. He flipped the switch on despite hearing Grif about to protest. Light engulfed the room… and Simmons froze at the sight.

Grif was standing there alright, but he only had the green eye open. The brown one was shut tight. He was holding onto his left hand, a white towel held tightly over it. But there was a very noticeable crimson color over the top where his knuckles were. And there was some moor crimson coloring over the sink and the mirror was noticeably shattered into pieces.

“...what the  _ fuck  _ Grif?!

“Ugh… it was an accident?” Grif replied lamely. “No, wait! It’s a dream! You’re dreaming all of this up!”

Simmons’ eyes narrowed, but he simply crossed the room and in front of Grif. He carefully reached to touch the covered hand, making Grif wince as the towel was carefully peeled back. It revealed the cut and bloodied knuckles, some shards of glass still embedded in them. The cyborg sighed, putting the towel back in place.

“...come on, let’s get it cleaned up.”

“I-”

“Come  _ on,  _ Grif.”

The near growl on his boyfriend’s voice got Grif to hold back any protest. Simmons pulled him into the living room, pushing him onto the sofa by his shoulder. He stepped away, back into the bathroom. Grif groaned, sinking into the seat while clutching onto the towel tighter. 

He had  _ not  _ wanted Simmons, of all people, to walk in on him like that. This wasn’t at all an unfamiliar scenario to either of them. But normally, it was the other way around. There were several nights where Grif would find Simmons smashing up mirrors. How he had to patch up the other’s knuckles several times and trying to calm him down from the hysteric frenzy he had gotten himself into. He had been an insecure mess back then… well, he still was, but he didn’t hurt himself in the processes anymore.

How the times had changed.

Simmons returned with the first aid kit in hand. He threw it onto the sofa with noticeable force. Yep, he was pissed.

“Fuck, if all the stupid  _ fucking  _ things for you to  _ fucking  _ do, it had to be fucking _this!_ ” Said Simmons as he bent down and peeled the towel off. “I mean what the  Hell  Grif? No, really? What the actual _Hell?!_!”

“What? Did I do a worse job than you did? didn't punch it hard enough, huh?” He tried to joke, but the heated glare that Simmons sent his way made it clear that he wasn’t amused. “...okay, guess  _ that’s  _ not gonna wor-ow!”

He was cut off when Simmons, having grabbed the tweezers when Grif was talking, started to pick the glass shards out of his knuckles. He remained quiet aside from the occasional groan as Simmons continued his work. He really couldn’t blame him for being pissed off considering all the times Grif would have to sit him down to make him stop. Which also meant that as soon as he was done, Simmons was going to demand answers. Answers that Grif didn’t want to give.

He honestly didn’t know what provoked it. He was having trouble sleeping. That alone was horrible, but with all the silence and not wanting to wake Simmons up, Grif was left with his thoughts. It went back to his mom. About all the things that hed tried hard to not think about over the years. Of all the times she left him and Kai for days, sometimes even weeks, on end. Of all the arguments he heard with her and whatever strange men she brought back that day. Of her drinking herself into a stupor and going out to some shady place despite being to slurred she could barely stand up straight. Before he knew it, he went to the bathroom to clear his head and...

“Don’t fucking  _ clench  _ your fist, asshole! You’ll make the bleeding worse!”

“Huh?” Grif looked down to see Simmons trying to keep his fingers straightened out. The tweezers had been put aside and he was now clearing away the blood. “...oops.”

“ _Oops.”_ Simmons repeated in annoyance as he resumed his motions. “That’s _all_ you have to say about it?”

“No? Or… yeah? Maybe? Fuck, I don’t know…” Grif trailed off, unable to think of anything ee he could say. Simmons sighed, shaking his head. But he seemed to calm down some as he looked back up while reaching for the bandages.

“...do you wanna talk about it?”

“...are you gonna give me a choice?

“...I guess?” Simmons looked back down, working to wrap the bandages carefully around the other’s fingers. “Look, I didn’t mean to snap. Well… okay, maybe I did. I just… after all the times we went through this before, I…”

It scared him. It really scared him. It had taken Simmons a long time to get over when he had those kind of fits. To start getting over his issues. But he had. He hadn’t had any outbursts like that since at last the transfer to Rat’s Nest. So to see Grif, the person who used to mend his cuts and gave him a chance to talk about what was wrong or just sit and calm down in that position... 

“...if you don’t want to talk, it’s fine. You don’t have to. But… but I’ll try to listen.” Simmons finished wrapping up Grif’s fingers, but he didn’t let the careful grip that he had on them go.” Umm… is it okay if I ask something though?”

“...I guess. You'll do it even if I said no anyways” Grif just stared at the bandaged digits, trying to avoid the other’s gaze.

“Umm… is it… you know? Your mom?”

The orange soldier exhaled loudly. On the one hand, Simmons had given him an option. He could just not respond, and the matter would be dropped. Which would be good because Grif did  _ not  _ want to think about it. He was going to have no choice when he went home. Was one night where he could ignore it  _ that  _ hard to ask for? It worked for  _ her! _

Why could it never work for him?

“...okay, we don’t have to talk.” The cyborg said, releasing his grip and turning to put away the contents of the first aid kit. “It’s okay, I’ll get this all put away and-”

“Do you miss your dad?”

Simmons froze, head snapping back towards the other. That was  _ not  _ what he was expecting.

“Why the Hell are you aski-?”

“Just… _do_ you?”

Simmons raised a brow, but as he thought about it… his mind drew a blank. He had no desire to see his father again. He was an asshole, and it took him way too long to accept that fact. He was perfectly happy with cutting him out of his life. But as to if he missed him…?

“...no. Or… I think I don’t? I… I guess I kind of do?” He shook his head, pushing the kit aside and pulling himself onto the sofa. He stared at hs fidgeting hands. “I mean… he sucked. Probably still sucks. But… I guess I miss his sometimes..”

“...how the Hell can you miss someone you fucking hate?”

“Hell if I know, you just… do. I mean… I hate him. I really fucking hate him. But… he  _ was  _ still my dad. Guess I was just around for so long. It sucks.”

“Huh… do you think Locu misses Felix?”

“Grif, what the fuck is this abou-?”

“I mean… Felix fucking sucked. A lot. He was a fucking psycho, of course he sucked!” Grif was now on his feet and pacing across the floor, seemingly lost in his thoughts. “I asked him once. Locus. If he missed him. He didn’t tell me if he did or not tough. But Locus was around him for a long time, right? Like you and your dad, right? Or me and those other asshats when I quit?”

“Umm… sure?” If Simmons wasn’t concerned before, he sure as Hell was now as he watched his boyfriend go back and forth. “I still don’t fucking get what this has to do with you-.”

“So… it’s okay to miss someone you hate, right?” Grif continued as though he couldn’t hear the other. “Or… not even really hate. Just… have a lot of burning indifference about. Or just someone who caused you a lot of shit and you have no idea how the fuck to feel about them, even though you  _ want  _ to hate them! Cause she fucking sucked at her fucking job, and I want to hate her, but… I don’t fucking know! Fuck!”

Grif finally stopped, throwing his hands in the air with a frustrated shout. He fucking hated this! He had  _ finally  _ been free of thinking about his mother. Even after all the bullshit with Red Base and the Freelancers and all the wars they someone got dropped into, that was the one solace he got out of all; finally being able to have a life away form her. Then she had to go and fucking die and bring all of the memories back, and he wanted to just curse her name for causing so much shit in his life.  _ Again _

And the worse part was that he  _ couldn’t  _ find it in him to do so. He couldn’t hate her. He  _ wanted  _ to, but he… didn’t. Why? Why the Hell couldn’t he just…  _ just… _

A gentle hand grasped Grif’s shoulder, and he found himself being turned around. Brown and green eyes met a pair green and bright red concerned ones. He tried to look away, ut a hand to his cheek stopped him. A metallic finger wiped at his eyelids, causing Grif to realize that he was crying now.

‘ _ Fucking’  _ great’

He wanted to pull away. Wanted to run back into the bedroom and not let Simmons see him like this. It was so fucking _stupid_... yet, he couldn’t do it. He stayed in place as Simmons’ hand moved to the back of his head, the other wrapping around his back and pulling him close. He didn’t have it in him to do anything but allow it.

“I… I know it’s hard. And that it sucks cause… yeah. If she was shitty, then you every fucking right to hate her…. But I think it’s okay to miss her too.”

“I don’t  _ want  _ to miss her…” Grif bit his lip, raising his hands to clutch at Simmons’ shoulders.

“I know. I don’t like missing by dipshit of a dad either, but….” The cyborg went quiet for a moment before letting out a breath. “But I do. It’s okay to not like it… but she was still your mom. And… she was a part of your life for a long time. So… I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like her… but you still lost someone who was part of your life So you can still miss her too. Does that make sense?”

Grif didn’t know if it did or not. But whether it did or not, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. His grip on the other’s shoulder’s tightening, he let out a shudder and buried his face into the other’s chest. The tears started falling right after. The sobs soon followed. Grif just let it all out, not having the will to hold it in anymore.

He cried. He cried long and hard. All the memories that he had spent so long trying to forget were unavoidable now. He hated it. He hated that she died. He hated that he and Kai were eft with all the shit that she left behind He fucking hated all of it. But… he missed her. He didn’t want to, but he did. And he hated that fact even more.

Simmons pulled him in closer, a hand tracing circles in his back. He tucked his head under his chin and just stood in place, allowing Grif to let it all out. The orange soldier just tightened his grip even more. If it hurt, Simmons didn’t seem to mind.

They stayed that way for a long time. Even as the sobs calmed down, Grif didn’t move for a long time. He felt warm and safe in the other’s embrace. It was the one comfort he had right now, and he didn’t want to let it go. But soon, he felt Simmons plant a kiss on top of his temple as he carefully pulled back to look Grif in the eyes. They remained that way for a little longer before Simmons finally spoke.

“You look like crap.”

“Y-yeah?” Grif smickered slightly at that. He raised his bandaged hand to wipe at his eyes. “Well… you looked like shit too when you broke down about your family’s shit.”

It was Simmons turn to snicker. It was the moment of levity that they both needed, it seemed. Simmons leaned down to kiss him again, this time on the lips. It was short, but gentle and lifted the dread in Grif's chest a little bit more.

“So… do you feel better?” The cyborg asked as he pulled back more, but he kept his arms in place around the other.

“Honestly? No… but I guess it helped.” He guessed, anyways. “Still have more of her shit to deal with, though.”

“Yeah. Speaking of… I was thinking we needed to go ahead and start packing for the flight out..” He paused to let Grif groan loudly about having to do work before continuing, “...but I guess sleeping a couple more hours won’t hurt anything. But that means no giving me shit when we do wake up, got it?”

“...nope. But I am fucking down for more sleeping.”

Simmons seemed to accept that was the best he was gonna get. The two returned tot he bedroom and climbed into bed. Grif laid his head on Simmons’ chest, wrapping his arms around him as the blanket was pulled over them. Simmons’ arms wrapped protectively around him, pulling him close.

“I love you, Grif. Really, I do.” Said Simmons, untangling one arm to grab at the other’s hand. And… and I always will. We’ll get through it together, okay?”

Grif was silent… before reaching up to plant a kiss on his lover’s lips. He gave a small, tired, but sincere smile to the other before settling back into place and grabbing.

“Love you too, Simmons.”

They both drifted off, hand in hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Third BTHB fic baby! This time it was Cry Into Chest! This was one that I had planned ever since I first read over my card. I recently opened the card to prompts, on my Tumblr and when I got this one, I knew that it was time to do it. I really hope that I touched on these topics okay because it's ceritnaly a difficult one. If I didn't, I apologize for upsetting anyone and I will try to do better in the future. But I'm pretty happy with how this came out, so I hope that you guys enjoyed it!
> 
> Thanks for reading~!


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